“Amelia made me a Mum and taught me so much, including how to love. I will always love her and she will forever be part of our family.” These are the powerful and poignant words of Danielle Armstrong describing her baby daughter Amelia Rose Jean who was born sleeping on 6 December 2019 at the Maternity Unit in the Ulster Hospital.
The Armstrong family discovered the unimaginable, devastating news that Amelia, at 32 weeks, did not have a heartbeat following a scan.
As part of Baby Loss Awareness Week, Danielle is sharing her family’s story to help raise awareness and offer comfort to other parents who have experienced the heartbreak of losing a baby.
The Armstrong family have praised the guidance and support they, and countless other parents have received, from the Ulster Hospital’s Forget Me Not Focus Group, set up within Maternity Services to bring together parents who have experienced the death of a child or baby.
The Group actively arrange and participate in their annual Service of Remembrance, which will be held on Wednesday October 15 at the Stormont Hotel, in memory of all the babies who have passed away before or after birth.
The Focus Group also host an annual Family Day and annual tree planting service in the ‘Forget Me Not’ woodland, which is nestled in the serene landscape of the Billy Neill Country Park, a picturesque location close to the Ulster Hospital. The Group also funds and manages the Bereavement Suite, within the Ulster Hospital Maternity Unit.
Danielle shared how delighted she and her husband Karl were to learn “We were pregnant with Amelia in May 2019.”
“My pregnancy was Midwifery-led and I remember very clearly waking up on the morning of December 2nd and something just didn’t feel right. I normally felt her moving around loads in the morning and that particular morning, I couldn’t recall feeling her move. I had read about drinking a fizzy drink and then trying to count the kicks. I did that, but felt nothing. I thought maybe Amelia was asleep but still something did not feel right.
“I had a private scan a few days before and I rang them and asked could we come up to check everything was ok with her,” said Danielle.
“I remember going into the room for the scan and the minute Amelia came up on the screen, I just knew.”
Danielle painfully recalled how she said to the staff who carried out the scan, “She’s gone, isn’t she?’ They said, ‘Yes, we are really sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
Danielle continued, “For any Mum, you don’t ever want to hear those words. From that point on it was just horrendous. I remember screaming, my baby, Amelia, was in my belly, she had been absolutely fine and now there was no heartbeat. Amelia was gone and we didn’t know why.
“We had to go to the Ulster Hospital, to the Bereavement Suite and we met the most amazing Midwife who talked us through everything. She explained about the room, about having to take a tablet and come back in a few days and I would be induced and go through labour. I remember saying to Karl, ‘How am I going to do this? How am I going to go into hospital and give birth to my baby and she won’t be breathing.’”
Danielle explained how the Midwives talked the family through each and every painstaking procedure of what was to come as she and Karl prepared to meet Amelia.
“When she was born she was just beautiful. Amelia had the thickest head of hair, the rosiest cheeks and lips. We always have pink roses in our house because she was so rosy. Amelia had the longest legs and the biggest feet, just like her Daddy who is a runner. We had bought Amelia a little book when she was in my tummy so we read that to her and we brought some Teddies for her and her little blanket. I brought one of her Teddy Bear’s home with me and I sleep with it every night.
“We were left to spend as much time with Amelia and family came up to meet her as well. It meant so much to us.”
Danielle and Karl faced the inconceivable ache of having to leave the Maternity Unit, “Without our baby.”
“It is unimaginable. You feel like the worst parents in the world. The Midwives who had brought her into the world came back on shift and they said to Karl and I that they would look after Amelia.”
Danielle added how she and Karl had been out on one of their many walks following the loss of Amelia when she received a call from Bereavement Support Midwife Jacqueline Dorrian at the Maternity Unit. “Jacqueline introduced herself and talked me through the counselling service that was available and the Forget Me Not Focus Group and how myself and Karl would be welcome anytime to attend their sessions.
“We decided to start counselling and it really helped to talk, to vocalise my feelings.”
Despite the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic in terms of meetings, Danielle and Karl continued to keep in contact with the Group and parents online.
“I felt such comfort from all those parents. They understood us. The Group has been our lifeline. We have a group chat on the phone and we can talk about how we are feeling. There are days that we find difficult and we can express that in the group.”
“The Group have different days throughout the year when we can gather together with other families. Our favourite day of the year is the family event at Streamvale Farm. Our little boy, Arlo, actually calls it, ‘Amelia’s Day’.
“We have planted trees in memory of those babies who have passed away at Billy Neill Park. It is just above the duck pond and we always say that the children are looking at the ducks. There is a Midwife who passed away, Hazel McCallister and her tree is there as well. We always say she is looking after the children.”
From photos throughout the family home to a simple, handmade bracelet bearing Amelia’s name on her wrist, Danielle and her family, “Talk about her all the time.”
“When it’s Amelia’s birthday, we have a celebration every year. Talking about her has helped us so much.
“Unfortunately there are going to be families who go through the loss of their baby everyday of life. There is so much support, whether it’s the Forget Me Not Group, whether it’s counselling. We will always have each other to lean on. If you know someone who has been through it, wrap their door. Friends and family were invaluable to us. They helped us through the most painful days of our lives.”
“Arlo knows he has a big sister, we are very open with him. As part of Baby Loss Awareness Week, we are going to do an open water swim at Helen’s Bay on Sunday and Arlo will come along to that. He draws Amelia pictures and leaves them on the back step for her as he says they will, ‘Fly up to heaven to her.’”
“The Bereavement Midwives, Jacqueline and Susan are actual angels. I don’t think any of us would be able to get through what we have without them.”