“Noah was here, Noah was born. I have his ashes by my bed and we held him, we talk about him a lot.” These are the powerful, poignant words of Ards mum Kelly Barnes who has endured 11 devastating miscarriages since 2017. The family discovered that Noah, at just under 21 weeks, did not have a heartbeat on October 19 2020. He was born at the Ulster Hospital’s Maternity Unit.
The Barnes family have praised the unwavering and dedicated support they, and countless other parents have received, from the hospital’s Forget Me Not Focus Group, set up within Maternity Services to bring together parents who have experienced the death of a child or baby.
The Group actively arrange and participate in their annual Service of Remembrance, which was held on Wednesday October 9, in memory of all the babies who have passed away before or after birth. The Focus Group also host an annual Family Fun Day and yearly tree planting service in the ‘Forget Me Not’ woodland which is nestled in the serene landscape of the Billy Neill Country Park, a picturesque location close to the Ulster Hospital. The Group also funds and manages the Bereavement Suite within the Ulster Hospital Maternity Unit.
Kelly explained how she had had, “Four early miscarriages between 2017 and 2019.” The family were blessed with the arrival of their son Kyle who was born in 2019.
“After that I had another early miscarriage and then became pregnant with Noah,” said Kelly.
Kelly continued, “Everything was looking good. I remember it was right smack in the middle of COVID-19 and everything was very much up the air. I remember it was just before my 20-week scan and I had had a heavy bleed at home. I came up to the Ulster Hospital and I had to come in by myself due to the restrictions at that time.
“I was met by two Doctors in full Hazmat suits and then was taken to a corridor and examined and Noah’s heartbeat was there, I was bleeding but things were ok. I was discharged from the hospital on the Saturday but in the early hours of that Sunday, October 18, I had further bleeding and went back up to the hospital. There was still a heartbeat at 4am but I remember being moved up to Room Seven in the Labour Ward which is the Bereavement Suite and at 8am there was no heartbeat.”
Kelly described movingly how Noah was born on October 19. “My husband and mum were allowed to come up and we got to spend as much time with Noah as we wanted. We were able to make loads of memories with him. We talked to Noah about his big brother Kyle and took lots of photographs. We held him and told him stories and we have a card with his footprints and hand on it. My mother-in-law was also allowed to come up and meet Noah. The Chaplain did a naming ceremony for us and we were given a Memory Box. In it were two wee butterflies, one went with me and one went with Noah.”
Kelly suffered another five losses after Noah and added how she found the leaflet for the Forget Me Not Focus Group and decided to get in touch with the Bereavement Midwives Jacqueline Dorrian and Susan Stitt. “I wish I have had done it a lot sooner.”
Kelly continued, “I remember that the Group were getting ready for the annual Remembrance Service and that the wee seeded hearts that we put on the trees for each child all needed threaded. I met up with another mum from the Group at her house and I stood on her doorstep for about an hour and it was the best conversation I had had since my first miscarriage. It was just talking to someone who has been through it, they just get you. There is nothing better than talking to someone who has been through it. I would call this mum one of my best friends now.”
When asked what her advice would be to any parent who has or is going through the unimaginable pain of losing their baby, Kelly’s message is to, “reach out.” “Reach out when you can.”
“The Focus Group meets every couple of months. We go for coffee and walks. We are going for an open water swim at Helen’s Bay on Sunday for Baby Loss Awareness Week. If you are having a bad day we have our WhatsApp group. I have made friendships for life.”
Kelly and her family, “Talk about Noah a lot.” “Kyle knows that Noah lives in heaven and that he has a little brother. There are signs of Noah all around our house, his hand prints and footprints are framed, his ashes are beside my bed. I just like talking about him. In the Focus Group, my husband and I worked on the logo a bit and the wrist bands as a way of putting in our input. It’s Noah’s wee legacy.
“We have a tree at the Forget Me Not Woodland which we planted two years ago now. That is Noah and his brothers and sisters, that is their mark on earth here. The Woodland is really important to my family and to all the others, as all the wee babies are all together.”
For more information on the Ulster Hospital’s Forget Me Not Focus Group email bereavementsupport.midwives@setrust.hscni.net